"The price of greatness is responsibility"
Most people crave leadership for the visibility, the authority, or the status.
These motives are foreign to the reluctant leader; they can’t relate. Because leadership isn’t an achievement—it’s an assignment.
As a reluctant leader, let me shoot it straight with you. The moment you accept that assignment, the room gets quiet.
If you look at the biblical history of leadership, you will find it rooted in reluctance. Think about Moses in the Book of Exodus. He was called to lead, but first he questioned his identity (“Who am I that I should go?”) and then he questioned his ability (“What if they do not believe me?”)
Even Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:38) acknowledged how lonely the responsibility of leadership could be, telling his inner circle, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” But as the story goes… they fell asleep on Him. Ouch!
Leadership isn’t about being the first to ascend to the peak of the mountain; rather, it’s a Ionely wilderness where the leader stands between the people and the pressures of life.
This isn’t just an ancient emotional religious reality; it’s a modern social scientific fact. Arthur C. Brooks, a Harvard professor who studies human happiness and leadership, frequently writes about the “loneliness penalty” at the top.
Brooks posits that leadership inherently alters your social architecture. You move from peer relationships—which are built on mutual vulnerability—to transactional or structural relationships. As a leader, you can no longer fully share your deepest anxieties with those you lead without causing panic, and you can’t always share them with those outside your organization who don’t understand the context. The result? A professional isolation that starves the leader of genuine connection.
We don’t like feeling isolated as humans. Insert the 1986 song by The Human League here. Not familiar? The chorus goes, “I’m only human. Of flesh and blood, I’m made. Human. Born to make mistakes.” For the initiated, I am glad I can get that song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. But seriously. Our brains interpret this leadership isolation not as a minor inconvenience, but as a physical threat.
Neurobiological research shows that social rejection and isolation activate the anterior cingulate cortex—the same region of the brain that registers physical pain. When a leader feels rejected, isolated, or misunderstood by their team, the brain processes it like a physical blow.
Authentic leadership also requires constant decision-making under uncertainty. This chronic stress keeps the amygdala (the brain’s threat-detection center) on high alert. Without a safe peer group to down-regulate his stress, the reluctant leader remains in a state of neurological hyper-vigilance, leading to burnout and decision fatigue.
The science overwhelmingly shows that leading is taxing on our bodies and minds.
If you are a reluctant leader, feeling lonely doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you understand the gravity of the responsibility that you’ve been handed.
Understanding how we are created is half the battle, and we must learn how to stay in the game for the long haul. To survive the wilderness, Brooks and modern psychology suggest two non-negotiable shifts:
1. Cultivate “Useless” Friendships: Inspired by Aristotle. Brooks has popularized this thought. You need relationships completely decoupled from your professional identity. Where you form bonds with people who do not care about your title, your organization, or your performance, and vice versa.
2. Accept the “Sacrifice of Focus”: Accept that your role requires a temporary asymmetry in relationships. You pour out more than you receive from the environment you lead, which makes external ecosystems of support vital. As a pastor, I realize people may not be able to be there for me in the same capacity that I am there for them. That’s just the nature of the call.
As a devoted follower of Christ for several decades. I’ve concluded that we are both spiritual and physical beings. As a reluctant leader, I’ve found that things are best when we work from the inside out. I would be remiss if I didn’t give the ultimate staying power to continue to lead, when you feel overwhelmed. That’s cultivating your relationship with Christ and understanding that your call to lead is an act of obedience to God.